A Roller Coaster of Ever Changing Emotions...

Good Morning Community

It is early here in SF, nearly 7PM. I’m sitting at my computer (a MAC :)) with my little bowl of pills, 6, not bad. Soon I’ll have to take 3 more. That’s the morning routine.

I thought I would send a quick email.

It has been a tough week for releasing pent up emotions and feelings and frustrations. I guess it started with the anger thing.

But still, under the influences of Prednisone or just feeling the weight of it all, lots is coming up.

It has been so challenging for Noah and I lately, things seen (like financial stuff) and unseen (the pressure of the 15 months of treatment and more treatment ahead). The going to the clinic and going to Walgreen’s, and not being able to do this, and crankiness and this hurdle and that hurdle. And then he has to travel for his job, and going to the store on my own or finding help, can I do it on my own.....the stairs are hard to walk up (at this time). I look like a puff ball and my head seems too big for my body, I’m bloated blah, blah blah.

Then it’s ok... I just cry, but crying and some of this stuff makes me anxious and that’s not good when you are trying to heal your lungs and breathe better. But then the crying also seems like a release too.

But I think..... wait I’m in Remission and alive and I should be jumping for joy, but jumping leaves me breathless. And still I want to be in the world. So I say slow down, slow down Victoria, today it is about healing. The world is out there it will wait. Things are being created for you right now. Don’t worry, you will know who you are and what you want to do. In right timing. Don’t worry, and in my mind I hold my heart like my mother would and I tell myself kind things.

So UGH. I remember as I have said in the past. This is a process and the way I am with it all is a practice and sometimes it is easy and I feel steady and in the moment and sometimes I fall apart. Hey I am only this small Human person on the huge Earth.

Friday was the first time I "fell" apart at the clinic, I cried when the nurse asked me how I was today, I cried talking to Bridget my nurse Coordinator, I cried when Noah and I talked to a social worker to find out about support groups for us, I cried when Pricilla came in to give me labs.

Geeez!!!

I guess even I, who is always pretty perky when I am at clinic and look forward to being there, get to have my moments.

So here we are Sunday. Feeling cleared in some way. My breath is good as it always is in the morning. A slight tension/hangover head ache from sleep aids.

But overall calm and reflective of the week that has passed.

And making commitments to the week ahead......total R&R and the practice of not letting my anxiety get out of hand and breathe of course and pray, without a doubt.

Saturday we are going to Chicago. A trip we planned before the lung stuff. I am still able to go, so far. Noah is in a convention part of the time. But the nature of the trip will change slightly for me. So whizzing around one of my favorite Cities.

Maybe just some strolling here and there, a little nap here and there and lots of sunscreen to shield me from the Midwest heat and sun.

We are going to see 2 Broadway musicals...The Color Purple and Wicked. I will be saving my energy on those days. Even if that means room service and movies all day.

That’s the nature of this. That’s the New Normal. This is it and it is beautiful in some ways, really, to know my body is rebuilding a new body from the inside out. And it is frustrating in some way...what is it like to be in the world in a "normal" way? No pills or clinic 2x a week...or this...or that.

Ah well. Today is a new day, a new moment to choose how I will be in it all, even if "IT ALL" is staying the same.

Today Noah and I are going to this retreat center to be with our Spiritual Community. Noah is doing a Sweat Lodge with a bunch of the people and I am going to do a little work in the kitchen (without overdoing it) to make the community meal. These things sustain me and fill me with peace.

We will be with a group of people who we love and they love us and we will be where its warm and lots of amazing trees and peace.

Have an amazing Sunday no matter where you are and whatever you do.

Let Love and peace and the moment fill your hearts.

Talk with you soon
Purrrs, Love, Peace and Prayers

Namaste
Victoria