Just thinking when I should be sleeping...

.....that sounds like a country song doesn’t it.....

I should be in bed but I feel a little burst of energy. Earlier I felt tired and breathless. I chose not to go to pipe because I felt too tired and didn’t want to walk up and down my stairs....well my lungs weren’t into it.

I am preparing for bed, doing the routine, eye drops, skin cream, meds, and brush teeth. I’m setting up my meditation CDs and pillows to prop my back up, cuz it makes my breathing a little easier.

It dawns on me...wow I am so used to this.....to THIS, and I found it strange and I had a bit of peace too.

But I thought its strange what becomes "normal". Is this what they mean by the "New Normal" when they talk about Post Transplant life? How long will this phase of the routine go on for? What my New Normal going to be.

I’m grateful that I am flowing and dedicated, I am very dedicated. But at the same time, I look forward to a day I am taking less meds, I’m going to work, and I’m not so obsessed about things.

I wonder what I will be like after all this discipline and routine. What will shift? Who am I becoming?

But who knows. I certainly don’t. But it’s something to look forward to.

For now this is my life and my life is precious and dear to me. My home is my temple. I’ve become obsessive about some things. You know when you spend a lot of time somewhere one can tend to become really anal.

But I’m relaxing more during this new healing time, and releasing more because of this healing time I’ve been going thru. So there are many gifts in it.

I hope after this phase I wont even know what anxiety is or when I do see it coming I know how to just allow it to pass and I don’t have to be overcome with all the worry I’ve had in the past.

I had my own little ceremony tonight and prayed in a way I haven’t in a long time. There with my little altar and candles and special pictures and things which have sacred meaning to me. The cats looking on as all the Holy Ones gathered to hear my prayers.

And I connected to my community who were praying at the same time elsewhere in SF.
It felt profound.

And I felt moved and healed on this really deep level.

And here I am 11PM, should’ve been asleep 2 hours ago.

I wanted to share the strangeness that passes thru my thoughts sometimes.

I am grateful and alive. I am breathing and at peace. I feel healed and am healing.

I feel deep love for this community, you guys that was formed by my intention to reach out and a need to share and release all that has transpired over the past 15 months. I had no idea that so many people would even want to read my ramblings.

So Thank you for reading and sharing and taking it in and praying and all the things that I probably don’t even know about. Thank you for being there for me.

Its bed time for me. Many of you may already be dreaming.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Namaste
Victoria