Anger, what Anger....Im a good Girl...

Hello All

I still can’t believe that it is summer and it is JULY for goodness sake. Time just keeps doing its own thing, silly us to think we can change that. ;)

I guess this is going to be a different kind of email because I am not full of totally positive thoughts and enlightening things to say.

I am angry really. That anger I have been holding back since April 30 2006 wants to come out and have some outlet and wants me to give it some attention. I think that it’s important, or so I am realizing now.

Today I heard from my nurse and they are going to go back up on my prednisone 20mg because of my difficultly breathing.

They are not "alarmed". Although it scares the crap out of me....My chest X-rays show nothing, I have pretty good Oxygen up take at 97; sometimes it’s even 100 and 99.

The big deal is my pulmonary function test. the numbers were a little lower then they like that "could" indicate GVHD of the lungs.

Now of course I was alarmed at this after Brenda's death. but apparently there are different levels of GVHD.

For example I had very mild GVHD on my face, some people look like burn victims, some people get some stomach stuff so bad that they have to go to the hospital and get IV everything. I have been very blessed. I am grateful.

I have had none of these things. But this is the protocol. Prednisone. Work dammit. This is Victoria and she has got some stuff to do, mainly healing and be in the world with my big beautiful life. I am here to serve.

I am NOT happy about it, this uping the Prednisone thing.

I do NOT like Prednisone. I don’t like taking more Xanax just so I don’t feel whacked from the Steroids.

I am angry and tired of all this routine and meds and not looking like myself and not feeling my power that is in my spirit. I want to have my life back darnit all.....I mean f**K!!!! It has been 15 months. I get tired of it all.

I do everything right, I try to put on a brave, kind happy, face. I see this is a journey. I really do.

But I’m mad.

I’m ready to STOP. I’m not ready to die.....NO NO NO I am going to live. No giving up here. I have stuff to do. I am here to be of service and live and share my heart more with the world. I have a lot to give.

So I’m mad that I am trapped inside these limits. This strong fierce woman that I am. I mad and angry.

I don’t resent God; I am just like....come on please keep helping me out. Help me out on this one too. What ever that is that’s taking my breath away lets take care of it quickly. Please lets make it quick and gentle, please gentle and quickly.

I can’t do these things I want to do gasping for air and whacked out on steroids and Xanax. I can I serve you Creator gasping for air. I want to serve you full and whole and strong.

Then I am overcome with guilt for being so mad, but its there so I have to give it some time or it will eat me alive.

I’m still a good girl, just an angry one right now.

You can bet tomorrow I will go to clinic armed with questions and share a little bit of my anger in a respectful way and demand some clarity about what the deal is and what the plan is. I am a part of it. Tell me where we are going with all of this.

So there you go pearls of wisdom, maybe. The truth of what today is for me, yes for sure.

Still grateful for being alive of course.

Still faithful and fighting and creating a vision for my life and my healing, you bet.

But Anger, ok I understand it is time to give you a change to roar and I am roaring. Anger lets Roar together.

I want to go to the top the Kite Hill, the beautiful hill by my house and sit under this beautiful old tree that has this little stump like stool built into just the same size as my butt.
I want to sit under her and scream really loud.

Dogs poop up there on that hill I should be able to yell. It doesn’t even leave a mess.

So maybe Ill do that.

Remember that scene in that 70's Movie NETWORK where everyone threw their TVS out that the window and yelled "I’m mad and hell and I’m not going take it anymore"!!!!!

That’s what I’m talking about.

I love you all.

I’m grateful for all of you and the force of healing you have all played and continue to play in my life.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Please have a beautiful evening.

Namaste
Victoria