I thought Chemo was hard...

Hello All

I have been pondering what I can email to everyone. No new news to report.

Firstly, I hope you all are taking time to slow down and allow yourself to really go inward. As we approach Winter we also approach the Holiday Season. Sometimes we can feel pushed in one direction like to slow down and pulled in the other, like to be social and over booked.

I am in a complete state of "not knowing" and surrender. I feel tired but nothing health-wise is going on. The Doc is still kinda tweaking my Meds and I’m doing my best to really invite them into my body.

I generally feel low energy and Blah as I integrate this new immune system. I feel cranky and want my life back. I want to come and go as I please and I want to feel vibrant and strong. I’ve only been home a couple of weeks but already I have realized that this is the hardest part of the process, even harder then Chemo in many ways.

It dawned on me, that I am growing a new body from the inside out. I wonder is this how it is to be a new born baby, to feel so small and weak at times, dependant on others, so vulnerable to everything and its new life. Yet a new born doesn’t really question what it is going through. It may react here and there but generally it just coos, maybe cries a little and allows itself to be cared for.

So perhaps like a new born I just allow this process to be, allow myself to grow my new immune system. Observe the changes carefully, share this with my nurse and my doctor and give myself the space to "mature"

Happy in between Holidays everyone.

Always sending big love, purrrs and Prayers.

Namaste
Victoria

Happy Thanksgiving...

Hello Sweet Community

I know many of you are traveling, or preparing for feasts or maybe simply enjoying the evening before a holiday.

My sweet parents are helping tremendously by prepping some of the food for tomorrow. We will be celebrating our Gratitude with my brother and his partner Mark as well as the four of us here.







I have been home almost 10 days now and tomorrow will be day 30 since the Stem Cell Transplant. So we have a lot to be Grateful for.

I am still adjusting to life at home. I still don’t quite feel like I am in a flow that allows me to nap, walk a little, eat and just in general be in my life. But that will all come in time.

Except for a little infection in my gut which I am now taking meds for, my overall health is good. My counts are normal and Doc Martin says I am doing really well. He does remind me that this process takes time and I am grateful for that reminder.

I guess I was feeling a little frustrated with myself that I am not energetic and still not able to eat tons of food or do a lot in my home. Even after everything I have been thru so far I still am hard on myself at times. I get impatient.

So again this is a reminder to me to love myself and be easy on myself in my thoughts and actions and allow my heart to be open to receive more healing and love from those around me.

I have always loved Thanksgiving. When I was a child we used to have what seemed like 50 family members over to our house. I always looked forward to it and loved all the interactions and activity. Although there was a lot of eating it really wasn’t about the eating itself, it was about the celebration of family and friends and community and a celebration for all the gifts in my life. Some of the most precious holiday memories have been Thanksgiving Memories.

So here’s to all the gifts in our lives, to the big ones and the small ones.

May you all be blessed up and feel the Great Spirit in your heart and feel warmed by all that life has given you.

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Giving Thanks!!!


Namaste
Victoria

Home Sweet Home...

Hello Community

I know it has been a bit since I have posted and I’m told by my parents that some are waiting to hear what is going on...Thank you so much for thinking of me and caring for me so much.

I was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I feel OK. I’m pretty tired, which is totally expected. I am also very crankie, which I didn’t expect. I’m not sure it if it is the Meds or the adjustment of being at home. I’m sure it’s a little bit of both.

I think I thought I would be bouncing off the walls or something from being here at home. But I am sluggish. Don’t get me wrong I am so happy to be in my own bed and with my kitties and my stuff and fresh air and my own food choices, all of it.

But new lessons are presenting themselves....

My parents and I and Noah are all trying to figure out how 4 adults can flow together in a good way in a not so huge space. I know that with commitment and love and respect we will begin to figure it out. This is something I am learning and will continue to learn. This is something we are all trying to figure out in our own ways.

Napping is essential I am finding out and low maintenance cooking. I am sure in time I will find a rhythm that is supportive and healing.

Today I napped for the first time since I’ve been home and it did help a bit. I am hoping that by Thanksgiving I will have the energy to be with everyone in a good way. There will be 6 of us.

I know I will have to give up some of my desire to cook a lot and allow everyone to help out. This is challenging for me, especially in the kitchen.

Sorry for all the complaining. This is the beginning of learning a new way of being to honor my healing.

I appreciate all the love we are sent here on 9 Eagle St.

Tomorrow I will be going to the clinic and will be meeting with my Doc for the first time since I have been out of the hospital. So we will have a clearer picture of where I am. I feel like I am right where I should be and that my energy should be going towards continued care for myself.

Have a really really cozy evening. It’s looking more and more like winter every day. The fog and mists and rain is rolling in leading support for nap filled afternoons and regeneration of my body.

Big Love
Big Prayers
Big purrrs

Namaste
Victoria

How do you measure Gratitude?

Good Evening Community

I know it has been a little bit since I last posted. Just trying to heal those nasty mouth, throat and stomach sores. It is slow going but healing is occurring.

I want to share some thoughts with you. Thru this process I have had the opportunity to practice the receiving of Love and prayer and generosity. In the past it has been easier to give then to receive. But it is important to be able to do both. That balance is so important.

The question that has come to my mind is this.....How do you measure Gratitude? How in the world could I ever "repay" all that has been given to me and my husband and my family? How can express my deep deep gratitude....do I do it with words...in cards...in prayers...will it ever be enough?

I don’t think there is a correct answer to that question.

Perhaps the answer is Being "IN" Gratitude all the time. That could mean just being grateful for our breath...or it could be Wow I am so grateful for the way I am supported, or thank you for my health...or thank you that I was able to eat without throwing up. Whatever is relevant to that moment…

So I am learning that as I wake up and take my meds or eat my oatmeal, or pee in the cup or walk the halls or have my vitals taken or play Uno with my family, or snuggle with Noah or receive my Donors Stem Cells, I AM... I embody Gratitude.

I stand surrounded by Gratitude and it is being sent thru my fingers tips into your eyes as you read this message.

Thank you everyone for everything you do everyday. Not just for me and my situation but for everything you do to make this world an even more sweet and loving place.

Big Love
Big Big Prayers
Big purrrrrs

Namaste
Victoria

Floating in a Sea of Morphine...

Good Evening Lovelies

Its Saturday evening and I am very grateful for my life.

The past 2 days I have been feeling kinda yuckie. I have sores in my throat that is making it difficult to swallow. I finally agreed to have the nurses hook up a PCA of Morphine. This pump allows me to push a button every 2 minutes to get a blast of Morphine. The Morphine is helping me with the pain so I can eat, drink and swallow.

Needless to say I slept most of the day. But at one point I played a few games with my parents and Noah. Now at 9PM I am feeling much much better and my White Counts are up!!! This is fantastic news!!!

I feel so grateful for my life and the healing I have received and the healing I continue to receive. I am looking forward to being out in the world again and in my work and being of Service.

Big Love to all of you.
Big Prayers
And of course Sweet Cozy Purrrrs

Have the Sweetest Dreams


Namaste
Victoria

Bye-Bye Hair...

Hello Sweet Community

We are fogged in over here in The Temple on the Hill. I feel like I am surrounded by a big fluffy cloud. So it feels really cozy here.

Well I am nearly at the bottom of my counts...What does this mean. I am open to infection, I feel a little more tired and that the chemo did its job. But in order for them to come up they must come down.
Last night my hair started to fall out so this morning my mother and I shaved my head completely. I have to say I have gotten used to shorter hair or no hair. And it is no big deal it will grow back.

The past couple of days have been full of excitement. First I had a platelet transfusion, donated by my Dad, and for some reason I had a reaction. Lots off hives and such. So they gave me a ton of Benedryl....so the rest of the day was sleepy time. Sweet Dad felt so bad that he couldn’t help me in that way...for Goodness sake just him being here with my mom is such a gift.

But in true Harvey fashion he is down there in the clinic giving platelets to those other patients who are in need. I love him so much.

Then yesterday, my throat was really bothering me, I can barely swallow. So they were trying to figure out what pain med worked.

I was pretty queasy and loopie, and at the mere mention of giving me more...I threw up. I was OK. It was kinda funny actually. I mean one moment I was fine and the next BLAH!!!!! Needless to say they didn’t give me that med anymore. We found a combo that worked so everything is alright there. I am mostly accepting the pain meds so I don’t have discomfort when I swallow


I hope that wasn’t too graphic. We talk about all kinds of things at the hospital......so I’ve gotten use to that

Lets see what else....

My target discharge date is Nov14. This all depend on the White Counts coming up. no fevers, no mouth sores I’m able to eat and walk.

I feel very good about all these things. I am not even feeling anxious to go home. I am here in this moment. Meeting my fellow patients on the floor when we are all walking. Chatting up the nurses and the women and men that clean the rooms or bring the food. I really love that part of being here. I guess that is Being in the Moment.

Anyway I hope you all are savoring the moment you are in and allowing that moment to teach you. Even when we feel awful, or someone pushed your buttons, or you got a special card saying you are loved, or you are enjoying your favorite meal. These are all special moments, they show us we are alive and we are human and what a gift those things are...

Today I am filled with a lot of joy and as I click my send button I fill that moment with Joy so you feel it as you open and read this email.

Happy Friday!!!!!

Big Prayers
Big Love
Big Purrrrrs


Namaste
Victoria