Procedures, healing waters and emotions...

Hello Everyone

Happy Summer!!!

Noah and I returned today from spending the past 3 days in Calistoga, CA. We love going to Indian Springs for their amazing massages and huge warm pool. It was so warm and peaceful and lovely up there. It felt so amazing to float in the nurturing mineral waters and be healed by the warmth of the sun and the soothing energy of the stars ( we were in the pool last night). I’m so grateful that we had that time to be with each other in such a mellow way. It is always good for us to be out of our day to day life so that we can slow down and connect with each other. It is very healing for both of us.

Everyone is so friendly and receptive up there. We went into a cafe on Sunday afternoon and a couple introduced themselves. The man, Kendal could tell I had gone thru chemo (the bald head gave it away I guess) His wife, Karen, had just finished the last of her treatment in March for Breast Cancer. It was nice to speak with her about treatments, hair loss and the power of the spirit. They were so positive and loving and gave us their email address and phone numbers so we could tell them how things are going.

It really warmed my heart because I was feeling a little blue and feelings of fear of the unknown was weighing on me. The procedures I had on Thursday (bone marrow biopsy and Lumbar Puncture) went well but I had a kind of delayed reaction from the Lumbar work. There is an intense headache that can go along with it, and really the only way to resolve it is to lie down. Off and on, on Saturday and Sunday I had to lie down to allow the headache to pass.

On Friday I sat here at home realizing that I feel fine until I see a doctor or get a procedure done, then I am reminded that I am not fully healthy. For the first time I had the feelings of Why me? Why this? Here I am turning 44 and I thought I would be pregnant but instead I have Cancer. Wow what a dark tunnel that can be to travel down. What feelings of dread and darkness those emotions can be and what energy they all carry. I was so devastated. So angry. I sat with those feelings. Worked thru them with Noah. Tried to find comfort in something, but if I wasn’t careful I could see how consuming it is, because it is all taking place in my body.

By Sunday I started to feel a little better and more at ease and at peace with it all. I started to feel the strength of my heart and my spirit and the strength of all the support we get every day, that support we know of and the support that is going on behind the scenes all the time. It is as if all of those thoughts carried another kind of energy, an energy that brought some peace into my body and my heart and carried the energy of healing.
Then like a gift we met that couple in Calistoga who shared their joy, their uplifting words, and their example of coming thru Cancer to the other side of healing.

I go back to the hospital in 8 days. I am beginning to pack my bag, to make sure take care of my check list of things I want to do before I go back in. I have no idea what this round will be like. I DO know how to access that peaceful energy, that energy that will sustain me. I know that there is support and love and prayers to keep me going when I feel discouraged, or when I find myself in the tunnel of despair. I know Noah will get the support he needs. I am grateful for all of it.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Namaste
Victoria

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Also...

I wanted to share this amazing poem with all of you. My dear friend Carol Harada wrote this poem. It so perfectly and beautifully describes my stay in the hospital in May. It moved me to tears and filled my heart up.
It is such a gift that it needs to be shared.

Intensive Care
Sixth floor intensive care unit.
Fear Claws at starchy sheets
behind mostly drawn curtains.
Why me? Why this? Why now?
echo faintly in the halls,
a squeaky wheel on a janitor's cart.

These questions are highly contagius.
And you, my bloodsick friend, grow immune.
In your marrow, healthy cells multiply
and gather faith.
In stillness you recieve this
sacred transmission.
It happens in your sleep,
Deep in the bone.

From beyond this royal Chamber,
the world must come to you.
Earth rises from the nearby park,
green mayan temple stepped.
Pacific waves rush in
whisper their secrets from the West.
Hummingbirds hover at your window
offer up their flashing jewels.

I see you,
I see you,
the greatest flower in the ICU.
What intensive care you offer
to nurses, doctors, staff.
Drawn by your heart nectar,
they alight to taste this sweetness
On duty elsewhere, they still come
to receive a dose of grateful you.

Prayers for you circle the globe,
come to rest on your up and down bed.
Your hand-made life pulses
here amid IV drips and click whir monitors:
Vision Quest blanket to keep you warm
Your Yoga Kids' drawings of their favorite poses,
Buddha, Tara, other bedside guardians.
Your big sweet husband on his cot.

And still you miss our ceremony
So I bring it to you in the royal room.
we Clap Clap Clap Aqua Florida
Bracing and sweet
Remove the steril stink of anti-cootie handwash.
We pray with this pipe,
A bundle I carry like a baby
pipestone grandmother
pipe stem grandfather
Together, All that is
A family like your blood family
who sees you whole and well.
grateful for it already.

Later at home, I release those prayers
Spiral smoke rising
Your long curls falling
from the chemo.
We let go and begin again

Your head like a shining egg.
a star twinkling in the dark.
And I see you.