Procedures, healing waters and emotions...

Hello Everyone

Happy Summer!!!

Noah and I returned today from spending the past 3 days in Calistoga, CA. We love going to Indian Springs for their amazing massages and huge warm pool. It was so warm and peaceful and lovely up there. It felt so amazing to float in the nurturing mineral waters and be healed by the warmth of the sun and the soothing energy of the stars ( we were in the pool last night). I’m so grateful that we had that time to be with each other in such a mellow way. It is always good for us to be out of our day to day life so that we can slow down and connect with each other. It is very healing for both of us.

Everyone is so friendly and receptive up there. We went into a cafe on Sunday afternoon and a couple introduced themselves. The man, Kendal could tell I had gone thru chemo (the bald head gave it away I guess) His wife, Karen, had just finished the last of her treatment in March for Breast Cancer. It was nice to speak with her about treatments, hair loss and the power of the spirit. They were so positive and loving and gave us their email address and phone numbers so we could tell them how things are going.

It really warmed my heart because I was feeling a little blue and feelings of fear of the unknown was weighing on me. The procedures I had on Thursday (bone marrow biopsy and Lumbar Puncture) went well but I had a kind of delayed reaction from the Lumbar work. There is an intense headache that can go along with it, and really the only way to resolve it is to lie down. Off and on, on Saturday and Sunday I had to lie down to allow the headache to pass.

On Friday I sat here at home realizing that I feel fine until I see a doctor or get a procedure done, then I am reminded that I am not fully healthy. For the first time I had the feelings of Why me? Why this? Here I am turning 44 and I thought I would be pregnant but instead I have Cancer. Wow what a dark tunnel that can be to travel down. What feelings of dread and darkness those emotions can be and what energy they all carry. I was so devastated. So angry. I sat with those feelings. Worked thru them with Noah. Tried to find comfort in something, but if I wasn’t careful I could see how consuming it is, because it is all taking place in my body.

By Sunday I started to feel a little better and more at ease and at peace with it all. I started to feel the strength of my heart and my spirit and the strength of all the support we get every day, that support we know of and the support that is going on behind the scenes all the time. It is as if all of those thoughts carried another kind of energy, an energy that brought some peace into my body and my heart and carried the energy of healing.
Then like a gift we met that couple in Calistoga who shared their joy, their uplifting words, and their example of coming thru Cancer to the other side of healing.

I go back to the hospital in 8 days. I am beginning to pack my bag, to make sure take care of my check list of things I want to do before I go back in. I have no idea what this round will be like. I DO know how to access that peaceful energy, that energy that will sustain me. I know that there is support and love and prayers to keep me going when I feel discouraged, or when I find myself in the tunnel of despair. I know Noah will get the support he needs. I am grateful for all of it.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Namaste
Victoria

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Also...

I wanted to share this amazing poem with all of you. My dear friend Carol Harada wrote this poem. It so perfectly and beautifully describes my stay in the hospital in May. It moved me to tears and filled my heart up.
It is such a gift that it needs to be shared.

Intensive Care
Sixth floor intensive care unit.
Fear Claws at starchy sheets
behind mostly drawn curtains.
Why me? Why this? Why now?
echo faintly in the halls,
a squeaky wheel on a janitor's cart.

These questions are highly contagius.
And you, my bloodsick friend, grow immune.
In your marrow, healthy cells multiply
and gather faith.
In stillness you recieve this
sacred transmission.
It happens in your sleep,
Deep in the bone.

From beyond this royal Chamber,
the world must come to you.
Earth rises from the nearby park,
green mayan temple stepped.
Pacific waves rush in
whisper their secrets from the West.
Hummingbirds hover at your window
offer up their flashing jewels.

I see you,
I see you,
the greatest flower in the ICU.
What intensive care you offer
to nurses, doctors, staff.
Drawn by your heart nectar,
they alight to taste this sweetness
On duty elsewhere, they still come
to receive a dose of grateful you.

Prayers for you circle the globe,
come to rest on your up and down bed.
Your hand-made life pulses
here amid IV drips and click whir monitors:
Vision Quest blanket to keep you warm
Your Yoga Kids' drawings of their favorite poses,
Buddha, Tara, other bedside guardians.
Your big sweet husband on his cot.

And still you miss our ceremony
So I bring it to you in the royal room.
we Clap Clap Clap Aqua Florida
Bracing and sweet
Remove the steril stink of anti-cootie handwash.
We pray with this pipe,
A bundle I carry like a baby
pipestone grandmother
pipe stem grandfather
Together, All that is
A family like your blood family
who sees you whole and well.
grateful for it already.

Later at home, I release those prayers
Spiral smoke rising
Your long curls falling
from the chemo.
We let go and begin again

Your head like a shining egg.
a star twinkling in the dark.
And I see you.

The zen of tests...

Hello all

Wow I am loving this sunny weather we have been having here in the City. Not a lot of fog lately, which is rare for SF summers.

I hope summer is shinning down on you as well and bringing joy and warmth into your life.

Ok so I talked with a wonderful nurse from UC, Bridget. She has been very kind, helpful and funny.

It is looking like I will be going into the hospital on either July 3rd or July 5th. We are shooting for July 5th. This will allow me to go to my pipe circle the day before I go into the hospital.

I will be staying in a private room at the UC at the Paranaus campus (could be in a semi-private room for the first day or so). This is great because it is very, very close to our house. Not only that they have THE best Bone Marrow Transplant program in the world.

Thursday, I will be getting another Bone Marrow Biopsy, and a test that is something like a spinal tap ( eek), and various blood work.

It is policy to do the spinal tap to make sure AML has not effect the brain; however it is very very rare.

I have to say I am becoming much more zen about these tests and I have to laugh and can find the humor in it all.

Here I am living my life these past few weeks, feeling really strong. And soon it will all start again, the needles, the chemo, the changes in my body, the early morning blood draws, all of it. But it is all apart of the healing process and the steps to get me back in my life all healed up.

There is good news though; it is looking like I am going to be able to have an Auto Bone Marrow Transplant. This is the easiest and most successful of the 2 types. Sometime next week I will have another meeting with Dr. Martin and he will go over all the steps and procedures for the next several months including the step by step treatments, recovery time, risks and successes.

I am so relieved to hear this that I almost cant wait to go back into the hospital and begin.....Just kidding...... really I have some really wonderful things scheduled over the next 2 weeks so I’m happy with being at home till the 5th. :)

My birthday is this Saturday ( 44!!!!) so Noah and I are treating ourselves and are going to Napa Valley to a fancy spa Sunday-Tuesday( check it out http://www.indianspringsspa.com/)

They have a huge mineral pool that is a constant 90 degrees and it is warm there and sunny. So we are going to get massages, float around in the pool, feel the sunshine, hike a little, shop a little, eat yummie food and maybe even have a glass of wine.

What a gift that I am well and strong and alive and able to celebrate life with my sweet husband.

Thank you for reading my updates and being a constant source of love and strength. I look forward to sharing this process with all of you.

Find the blessings in your own life and the gift of breathing in and out in this moment.

Big love
Big Prayers
and
Big purrrrs

Namaste
Victoria

Call awaiting...

Good Morning all

Wow what a purrrfec sunny San Francisco Day.

I hope you are all well and enjoying your summer where ever you are

I am currently waiting for a call to schedule another bone marrow biopsy. This is going to happen at the beginning of next week. They would like to have the most recent results to use when deciding on what kind of bone marrow transplant. So the verdict is still out on that right now.

The results for that test will take about 7 to 10 days, and then I will have another bone marrow Biopsy just before I go back into the hospital.

It is looking like I will go back in around the first or second week of July. This makes me very happy because I thought I was going to have to go in much earlier.

Now I get to keep some of the plans I have made, such as going to a The Kabuki (a spa here in the city) spa and baths for a really special massage and dip in the baths, making masks with some of my friends, and going to Calistoga for a few days away from the City with Noah for my birthday.

I continue to feel positive and strong and getting stronger every day. I had a bit of a headache yesterday but this morning I am headache free.

There are still so many pieces of the puzzle that have to come together before we get a clearer picture of what the next steps will look like. I never really like puzzles all that much, but I am learning to just wait and be in this moment, and then before I know it, I have all the info I need, and everything works out just fine.

I have been praying that I interact with care givers that are clear and kind and compassionate and helpful (along with brilliant and skilled of course), and those people have been contacting me.

Thank you for all your continued support. May all of your own prayers, wishes and intensions, be clear and be answered in amazing ways.

Here's a great article about the power of prayer:
CLICK HERE TO LAUNCH ARTICLE

And here's a playful picture of me and Noah at the Stinking Rose about a week ago



Have a beautiful day.

Namaste
Victoria

The search for clarity...

Hello All

I know it has been awhile since I have sent an update.

I am feeling pretty good, I have energy, I’m eating well, and I am getting out into the world a little bit.

I do not know what is going on next...which is mostly why I haven’t written.


Last Thursday I went to UC to talk with a specialist there and discuss the bone marrow transplant piece of my treatment. Well I didn’t get to talk with the doctor I thought I was going to talk with and the appointment ended up being confusing and distressing.

After being there for 4 hours there was a little bit of clarity, but I left feeling uneasy and scared.

Currently there is a possibility that I will be going to back into the hospital earlier to get my second round of chemo, they call it re-induction. I am not sure at this point what type of bone marrow transplant I will be getting and it is possible I will not know that answer for a while. As you know I was scheduled to go back July 5th, but although I am feeling strong, I am not in remission so it is better to get me back in sooner then later for another round. But so much of this seems to depend on what kind of transplant, and that decision depends on results of tests I had done about 7 days ago and there is a possibility of another bone marrow biopsy ( Whew ). So you can see there are lots of pieces to the puzzle which need to be placed just right so they can get a clearer picture. It is a load for sure!!!!

I am realizing that the thing that makes me the most uneasy is getting to know a new team of doctors. As you know I love Dr. Baron, but if I continue my treatment at UC, I will have a new team of doctors. At UC they work as a team and although they are the best in the world when it comes to treatment for blood Cancers and bone marrow transplant, they still don’t know me, as a person. They may know my info but they haven’t met me face to face really, and yet they are making decisions that will effect my life. This is heavy to me.

I have been in contact with that office and am very clear about my concerns and that I need to be communicated with thru out the various steps. I talked with a very very nice nurse yesterday that allowed me to share my concerns and she was very compassionate and seems to be looking into everything for me. I will hear from her on Wed evening and should get a clearer idea about what is next.

I continue to pray and have faith that everything will work out and that I will be cared for and that people will see me for who I am. I’m have been doing my best to stay in the moment and enjoy my home. I am taking advantage of the time at home to prepare myself for my next hospital stay.

So there you have it everyone. Continue to stay in touch and I will let you know as soon as I know what is going on.

Sending you all lots of love and prayers and gratitude and light. I feel so grateful for having such a HUGE supportive community it REALLY has and will continue to make a difference in my recovery.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Namaste
Victoria

The practice of being at home...

Hello All and Happy Monday

Well it has been nearly 2 weeks since I have been out of the hospital. It's hard to believe that I was ever there. I am getting stronger every day and feeling pretty good overall.

I have made an interesting observation though. I am seeing how the practice of being in the hospital is probably very much like that of being in an Ashram. There is a schedule, you have your room, and the hallways, and for the most part everything is taken care of for you, there are no normal life distractions. It was so easy for me to have the practice of peace and calm and let go of worry while in my room. But here I am back in my life, somewhat, and I am noticing that some of the same patterns prior to me becoming ill are creeping back in. And in some ways it was easy to be in the hospital and for me a little more challenging to be back in my life.

But it is all a practice isn't it? Like going away on a retreat where everything is taken care of and it is easy to have the practice. But how do we apply it when we are back in our lives.

I have noticed that I can access that calm feeling if I apply myself . I do notice when the worry starts to creep in and how I can work with it. This is when the pracitce is the most challenging, to apply what I learned while in the hosptial.

My biggest challenge is to be still and not obsess about my house and to also to develop good supportive eating habits. But again this is the practice, firstly to not beat myself up if I make mistakes and secondly to have compassion and patience with myself during this process of learning.

So, like being in the hospital was one kind of learning, being at home is another kind of learning. To me that means applying all that I learned about being in the present moment and being patient and finding peace. Because it is always there for us, we just have to be open to let go and receive it.

I'm so grateful for this opportunity to learn and grow, and my prayer is to continue to apply this to all aspects of my life that will reach way beyond my recovery over the arc of my lifetime.

Thank you for being a witness to all of this and for all of the prayers and support and love.

Enjoy the sunshine and long days.

Namaste
Victoria

Blood count...

Hello All

I just thought I would send a little email to let you know how things are going. I've been to yoga and had a massage, tomorrow I go for my first acupunture appointment and have been learning about what foods are best to balance my body. A lot of info to take in.

I did go get a blood count test today and things looked good. Dr Baron even said that my white count was normal. So this is good. We are still unclear about what the next few months are going to look like, we will have a better picture of things after my appointment with Dr. Martin next week.

I did find myself feeling a little overwhelmed by all the info and all the different possiblities we were given today. I feel a little nervous and a little frustrated. Mostly because I want to know and I want to know now. But of course I can do all the wishing I want and still that will not give me the info I want more quickly. So I breathe and I be as present to this moment as I can. This is what will really heal my body and bring ease to my mind. Today it has been a harder practice then in the past. But this is just moment that can change at any time.

Last night I saw a sneak preview of the movie Peaceful Warrior. Based on Dan Millmans book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. This book changed my life back in the early 90's and changed the course of my spiritual practice, which at that time was nothing. They did a great job on the movie and it was good to be reminded of the book's messages.
What time is it.....NOW...where am I .......HERE!!! What a valuable lesson to be reminded of at a time like this....at anytime really in our lives.

Thank you for all the love you all send me all the time.
My prayer is that all of you get all you need, that you all have peace in your hearts and that you are blessed in so many ways every day.

Love Love and Love

Namaste
Victoria