Capturing the fevers...

Hello Everyone

I’m sorry it has been a little while since I wrote. I had really high fevers on Tuesday thru to Wed morning. Finally my fever broke and they found out what was causing the fevers. I have what is called CMV. It is virus in the Mono family that is dormant in many people but if someone is immune suppressed then it can become active.

So they think they found the answer.

Yesterday, I slept all day and most of the night. So that is why I have been out of touch for the past few days.

We did get the results to my bone marrow biopsy. There is still leukemia on the chromosome...can’t think of a better way to explain it. This is ok because it will be taken care of with the transplant. But then there also are some funky shaped cells under the microscope. They are not sure if it is my disease and I am told there is no reason to be alarmed. I will have another bone marrow biopsy to look at it all again. It is a little confusing to me. But most I am praying for a better biopsy in 2 weeks and that we can move forward with the transplant.

Before they discovered that I have CMV they thought that maybe my disease was causing the fevers…now we know otherwise.

So this is good.

As of right now my temp is normal. This is also very good and I most likely will go home tomorrow or Saturday.

Then again begin the process of healing and getting stronger.

I learn so much every day about strength, and faith and trust and letting go. I learn so much about my body and the medical process and about how much people care. There are so many lovely caring sweet people here. They are so sweet and tender to me. I feel so blessed.

Sorry it took me so long to email. I’m happy I’m in a better place that I can do that now. I’ll continue to keep you all posted.

Here in SF the sun is shinning and it looks like a purrrfect day. I hope you are having a purrrfect day where ever you are.

Much love and gratitude and Big Big Blessings.

Namaste
Victoria

Here at the hospital...

Hello all

I wanted to just do a check in before going to sleep. So here I am back on 11 Long at UCSF. I have to say I have more peace around it then I thought. Since Wed I have been fighting fevers, worried that my fever was going to get high, not sure what to do, back and forth from the clinic. As the week pressed on, the fevers got higher.

So this is best. They think that I should be back on the med that my doctor took me off of and that they are thinking I will be here about 5 days, assuming that my fevers go away.

I was also told this is common. That sometimes there is just an infection that is lurking and once home and off certain meds it comes creeping out.

I have had 4 lovely days at home with Noah and the kitties. I got some fresh air, felt the comfort of my home. It will be there for me in a few days. And my prayer is that I will go home stronger and fever free from then on.

Today I dug down deep to find courage to let my heart see the truth in the importance of coming in to take care of this. And that everyone here is on my side. When I came in all the nurses hugged me and I could feel their big hearts reach out to me because they understand.

So tonight I am at peace, still with a fever, but knowing that there are people working to help me, as usual.

Thank you for your prayers and your kindness and your sweet emails. Here’s to no more fevers and a stronger body and peaceful heart because of it.

Have a beautiful evening, Sweet Dreams.

Namaste
Victoria

Fighting fevers...

Hey all

It’s Saturday morning. I hope you all had a peaceful night.

Things have been a bit of a struggle since I have been home. I have been fighting fevers ranging from 99 to 102. My doctor removed my picc line thinking that again I had an infection and has me on antibiotics. That was Thursday and as of today I am still getting over night fevers.

I called the emergency line and talked with a nurse and was told that sometimes it takes 48 hours to get rid of that kind of infection and fevers can result. But that I am to watch the fevers and see if they start to go away. She even said if I was anyone else she would have me come in, but is aware of how long I was in the hospital for. So now we are waiting for a call from the on-call doctor to see if they want something different to happen…


......well I just heard from the nurse again and I do have to go back into the hospital. They think that I need to be back on the med that Dr. Martin took me off of at the beginning of the week. So I’m back in. I need to go this afternoon and apparently will not be there for long. Who knows what that means…

I’m upset and feeling broken down, but again I will do my best to be courageous and strong holding in my heart that they all want me to be in the best of health.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Namaste
Victoria

News FLASH...!!

Dearest Community

I woke up this morning feeling awful, sick to my stomach, night sweats, bad dreams. I felt somewhat defeated and fed up with feeling sick. I was due into the clinic and was worried something was going on that would land me back in the hospital. Of course I didn’t have a fever. I was just feeling the effects of some of my meds.

In clinic I got lots of care, got a blood test, and waited to meet with Dr. Martin.

Good News #1 He took me off the strong meds I am on and was supposed to administer here at home. Thank goodness, now I can start to feel strong and clean. This med is strong with lots of side effects and I had already been on it for over 4 weeks.....Whew…(I’m grateful for the healing it gave me but ready to let it go in good health)

Good News #2: The wonderful People at UCSF and out there in Donor land, found a donor that matches!!!!! I was totally blown away. We match on 9 of the 10 qualities. Which is good. There will be work and another mountain to climb, but I am ready, or rather I will be ready. Time to get strong, and gain weight and feel whole again.

Creator works in so many amazing ways. Creator hears our hearts . Again this is prayer, intention and holding a good thought in action.

I feel blessed beyond words and just want to say lets send lots of prayers to that donor out there who is so willing to give a part of them for my healing. What a Gift. I hope I get to write that person and express myself to them.

I may be going into the hospital in 4 weeks to start to process. But all this is up in the air right now. Ill keep you posted.

Thank you Thank you Thank you for all you have given to Noah and I and the energy and love you have given to this journey. Thank you allowing me to share this journey; it is so healing for me to be able to express myself in this way.

I pray for all of you everyday.

My heart is filled with Gratitude and Smiles!!

Have an amazing, amazing Day!!

Namaste
Victoria

Home, sweet home...!!

Hello Everyone

In my excitement to be home, I realized I did not send an email to let you all know I am now home.

I arrived back here in the warmth and comfort of my home around 4:30 yesterday. It feels so amazing to be here and yet a bit surreal. I don’t know what to do with myself and am tempted to clean, rearranged and do whatever, other then rest.

The kitties are sweet, the sun feels wonderful and the fresh air is purrrfect.

At the moment the home nurse is here and I am getting my meds.

I’ve been told there is a chance Dr. Martin will take me off of them tomorrow. This will make me very happy as I have been on them for a long time and all the other meds I’m taking is because of the side effects of this IV medication.

We'll see…

Dr. Martin may even have some kind of news for us about the donor. Again we'll see. I’ve been praying and taking each moment as it comes.

Ill keep you all posted.

Much love.

Enjoy the day.

Namaste
Victoria

Sunday afternoon...

Hey All

Happy Sunday. It is a typical foggy day here in San Francisco. Maybe where you are it is sunny and you feel summer in the air. Maybe you are being blessed with a summer thunder storm.

These are the things I wonder about, because so many of you are all over the country.

I am told that we are shooting for a discharge tomorrow, Monday. I’m patient and I know things can change but I am hopeful. Its all about the picc line and as much as I get nervous about the pain of getting it put I know it means I get to go home.

So I am looking forward to getting it put in.

No matter I will be home soon.

This has been a very long road this time here in the hospital and I am looking back on it all, its hard to believe I have been here for so long.

There are still many steps ahead of me. But I know I have gained more strength in my heart and spirit because of this road I’ve had to walk this time around. I know it will help me with the road that lies ahead of me.

I hope you are enjoying your Sunday whatever the weather is like, whatever time zone you are in. We have formed a community that has come together with hope and love and prayers and good vibrations.

I hope you feel your own community around you and the strength of your own Spirit.

Happy Sunday. Thank you for helping me on my path towards healing and heading home.

Namaste
Victoria

A bone marrow biopsy...and a new picc line...

Hello lovely community

It is early, nearly 8AM. I have been getting stronger and more then 48 hours with out fevers.

In an hour I will be comfortably numb and about to get my bone marrow biopsy. I agreed to getting it done today because here they can give me more pre meds then in the clinic and reduce the pain altogether.

Later today they will reinstall my picc line and remove the IVs I’ve had in for the past couple of days. The picc line is what delivers meds to my body... They removed my last line thinking that may have been a source of infection and fever.

These are all good things but they are procedures so I will be in dreamland most of today.

Still no word on my release but they are looking at the first half of next week.

I am at peace with all of this as I feel much stronger then last week and will only be getting stronger. I know that when I do get to go home I will be much stronger because of the extra stay and make healing at home that much better.

Have a wonderful day however you choose to spend it.

Let love fill your heart…

And give the Earth some of your love. …

Thank you for all your big prayers for myself and my dear sweet hard working husband, Noah.

My prayers for all of you is that you feel so blessed and peaceful in your lives and that your hearts feel supported by whatever your practice is

Big love
Big Prayer
Big purrs
and Big Smiles

Namaste
Victoria

The treads of the tires are worn...

Hey all

I know it has been a while. There wasn’t a lot of things happening and I was at bit at the end of my rope so I thought I would hold off when it felt like there where some changes.

After many negative tests, and still a low grade fever in the middle of the night the docs decided to pull my picc line.

The picc line is the line in my arm that is used to receive meds. Sometimes bacteria develops in the line, so they ultimately decided to pull in. In its place I have 2 IVs (these can only stay in for 72 hours and are more delicate).

They pulled the line early evening. I had no fevers last night at all so I have actually been without a temp for over 24 hours. Still we wait.

They are testing the line to see if there was bacteria, but this takes a day or 2.

The next step will be to begin to pull of some of the 4 antibiotics I am on, deciding which is the best to keep me on for another 10 days once I leave.

Most likely a new picc line will be put in place tomorrow on the right side, so that they can continue meds and so I have one when I go home.

Still no word on my departure but it all depends on my response to being pulled off meds. My sense is Monday or Tuesday, knowing the process.

Emotionally, I am doing OK. Like my doctor says, the treads of the tires are worn so emotions are very fragile. I have been weeping a lot, mostly when I didn’t know. I do have a sense of peace knowing I didn’t have a fever and based on that there is some movement.

I have been doing my best to pat myself on the back for all the hard work I have done to get thru all this. All the hard work it takes on so many levels.

I’m at peace and OK with having to be here thru the weekend and keep reminding myself that my doctors and I are a team and we all want the same results.

I keep praying for no fevers and that my blood cells stay strong.

As I get more information I will share it. I should know a little more by tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for standing by and praying even though you weren’t sure what is going on.

Oh, I gained 2 lbs this past week…which is great. I am feeling strong and I am also able to walk on the floor in the evening hours. So my goal the last few days is to get stronger so when I go home I am stronger.

Have a wonderful Thursday and I will write more tomorrow.

Big Prayers,
Big Peace,
Big purrrs

Namaste
Victoria

Still here and doing good...

Hey all

I just wanted to write a brief message. My fevers have lowered a lot and whatever they are giving me I guess is working. But it is a process that they go thru, it just isn’t enough that I don’t have fevers. There is a process of then figuring out what they should stop giving me.

The highest temp Vie had in 24 hours I think is 100.6 which is not high enough for alarm.

Of course I want the temps to stay steady at 98.5 but it is not something one can will. I just keep praying and breathing deeply and letting myself be cared and really connect to my trust. This can be challenging.
I have gone thru many emotions today from acceptance to frustration to tears. I just want to go home and continue to heal.

I keep telling myself that I have more time behind me then I do ahead of me and that I will not be in here for weeks.

My feeling is it will be around Sunday that I will be able to go home.

So keep sending vibes and prayers for no fevers and also to the doctors that they make the correct choices.

Holding strong and dreaming of leaving this room…

Big Love
Big Prayers
Big Purrrrrrs

Namaste
Victoria

Fevers and still waiting...

Hey all

Not much new news as of this morning, Sunday. I had more night fevers. Usually they start round 7PM and run all night.

They put me back on all the antibiotics they took me off of thinking there is an infection hiding somewhere in my body. All tests so far though show no infection. So they play this game with the antibiotics to see what will help.

Aside from praying and breathing and being as calm and present....there is nothing I can do. And believe me I would if I could.
This phase seems about surrendering my trust to the docs. And stay in the center of my heart and faith.

It’s best to be here getting these fevers then at home. So I’m in a good place. The journey will just take longer. But in the long run maybe I will be stronger for the extra days here.

Thank you for your continued love and support.

I’ll keep you all posted

I will also allow my will to soften and then make more space to be supported by all of you.

Namaste
Victoria

A Change in Plans...

Hello All

Well its Saturday morning and it is looking like I will not be going home today. Last night around 9pm I started running a fever out of the blue. It has been wavering between 100 and 102. They of course will not let anyone go home with a fever.

I had a chest x-ray and other tests and am waiting for results.

Before they let me go I need to go at least 24 hours with out a fever. So I may not even go home till Monday.

While I am disappointed, I do feel I'd rather go home completely healthy and not have to come back because of fevers.

So here I sit. I feel a little weak and intend to get a lot of rest today.

I thought I would be more upset but although that is there I know keeping me here is for my best interest.

I will keep all of you posted.

Thanks for sending the love and prayers. Have a wonderful Saturday.

I’ll talk with all of you very soon, especially if I find anything out.

Namaste
Victoria

Something to Pray for...(Friday 8/11)...

Hello there Community of Friends an Family, near and far

I hope you all had an amazing day. I didn’t go home today but am going tomorrow but today has been filled with many teachings

Noah and I learned how to give me this medicine I will need to take for a little after my discharge, I talked about what meds I need to take, and just a lot of general info.

The biggest news is this:

All the docs working behind the scene looking for a donor have tested the first 10. Out of the first 10 there is looking like there could be 2 matches.

My doctor will know more a week from this Monday.

So I am asking from my heart to please pray for one of those 2 people to be a match. I know we all have different practices, but I fully believe in the power of the group vibration whether it is thru prayer, or meditation, or connecting to your higher self. I ask that we all do our practices to send those positive vibrations towards a match.

If we find a match this means I would be on the mend for 6 weeks possibly 8, but it all depends on donor availability.

I feel very light and am feeling strong and my heart is at ease.

Again I know that much of the strength in my body and my ability to see this thing thru has been all of your willingness to hear my story to follow it and to hold myself and my husband and my family in the highest place of light and healing.

I feel so blessed that I bathed in so much love.

How I pray for those people that have less that have to go thru something so painful with little family and no community. There are many people on this floor that are from other states and other parts of California. Lets all hold a good thought for them.

Tomorrow I am being released. Tomorrow I will breathe my first breath of fresh air and be in my home. Just to be free from these four walls.

But oh how these for walls, this temple, oh how it has held me and kept me safe.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Have the sweetest of dreams!!

And may your own prayers be answered and may you feel held in your heart always.

Namaste
Victoria

Counting the Moments and Being in the Moment...

Hello All

It’s Thursday and I am counting the moments till I get to go home. There is still a slight question about Friday as there are issues with my body holding onto Potassium. The main Anti-fungal drug they are giving me is draining on the potassium so they have to strike the right balance.

It amazing to me to think that I am the subject of many discussions pertaining to this, including finding another med that doesn’t have the same drain.

So all I can do is take the big pills they are giving me, I think 8 to 10 in all, and practice patience. I wont pretend that is not disheartening to think I may not go home tomorrow. But at the same time what can I do, my best interest is being taken into consideration. And everyone tells me I am doing so well. It feels like I need to be a peaceful warrior just to keep from going nuts in the final hour.

I am doing my best to participate in my own healing. I am eating more and eating in between meals. I am down to 107lbs, which means I lost 22 lbs. So I at least want to hold my weight steady because when I go home I know I will gain most of the weight back.

Today though, something happened. I suddenly felt tremendous peace and positivity in my heart. Lately it has been a struggle, but today while I was getting out of the shower, I saw light, I saw healing and I really felt it.

Ill keep you all posted. But in any case I am sure I will be home by the end of the weekend, if not tomorrow as scheduled.

More is behind me in this round then is ahead of me.

Have a beautiful day. Go easy on yourself and remember to savor the sweet simple things in life.

Big Love
Big Purrrs
Big Prayers
Always to al of you

Namaste
Victoria

2 more days and counting...

Good Morning everyone

I hope you are all having a beautiful day. I am counting the moments till I can walk out my hospital door and make my way home.

I have been praying so hard that my body continues to get stronger so that nothing stands in the way of me leaving.

The only alarming thing is I have now lost about 21 pounds. I weighted 107 this morning; I weighted 129 when I came in. I don’t think I weighted 107 in high school. I am short but have always been muscular. So my goal is lots of eating when I get home to gain what I have lost.

I know that I may be very tired but I am going to try to walk a little and build my muscles back up. It like I need to be in training in so many ways for this treatment. My mind, my spirit, my faith, my trust, my humor, my light, my body, all need to be inline to work together. Thankfully this hasn’t been a hard practice in the past.

I have been tested many times this past month but have found my way back.

Although I am tired and thin I feel my spirit shinning thru. I am smiling and laughing and feeling ME again.

I even joked with my one doctor who is on the serious side and got him to smile; I could see the twinkle in his eyes even though his mouth was covered by his mask. I guess it is important for me that my caregivers “see me" and that we some how touch one another.

I will of course continue to write when I am at home because you all have been such an important life line for me and sharing this story and this process is healing on many levels,

May your day be filled with Beauty of the simplest kind, may you find connections with those you love, may you find blessings in your life and may you feel taken care of by all the Great Spirits out they that want nothing more then to love us and care for us and give us what we want.

I feel so so so blessed by this online community that we have built. Did you know that there are more then 120 people on this list? WOW that just blows me away.

Thank you for that.

Big Prayers
Big Love
Big Purrrs
Big Big Healing

Namaste
Victoria

5 more days on the Hill...

Good Morning All

I am sitting here in my peaceful temple, healing, gathering strength, touching my faith, weeping a bit, counting the moments till I am home.

They tell me Friday and I am right where I need to be. The white counts are up even more. This is all good.

I have been having bouts of weeping and just feeling at the end of my rope, even so close to being discharged. They have a routine here and an ebb and flow and in some ways that helps me get thru the days.

Noah is working hard out of town again and people are lined up to keep me company. So the time gets filled with connections from my life outside of this room to remind me I have a life outside this room and these meds and these routines.

I look forward to breathing in fresh air, I never looked forward to something so much. I look forward to looking out my front windows to the hill side and cuddle with my kitties and just be around my home.

One dr. says that I will feel tired for 3 weeks. But he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t really know my spirit. And while yes this rest time will be very different then the last I KNOW that just being at home will bring me back much of my strength and reconnect me.

It has been a gift to be able to share this current journey and all its difficulties and victories. Thank you for paying attention and taking it in and commenting and appreciating your own life and strength and finding your own way to what is your own practice.

Thank you a thousand times over for what you all give on a daily basis just by carrying good positive thoughts for myself and for Noah.

Its noon and I get to go home on Friday. This moment is a blessing even thru my tears I know it is a gift to be feeling better and have a goal for departure.

All my love and prayers


Namaste
Victoria

The Counts are up...

Hello Everyone, Happy Sunday

I thought I would share some thoughts while I was feeling a bit up. My counts are up, which is a good thing and one of the main things they look for when preparing to discharge me.

I am still very, very tired. As I have said this is a far different ride then last time.

It is interesting how I have had to really dig down deep for strength, including allowing myself to be fully carried by the strength of all of you. It is exhausting being tired.

However, I know that time will heal and going home, having fresh air, being in my own space will further deepen my spirit and will begin to renew my strength.

I have been very weepy lately and allowed myself to cry, I have had major night sweats. The chemo was thrown me into early Menopause I am told so I think I am experiencing that as well. So much at one time. But again I cant imagine what it would be like without all the love that is carried thru vibration and prayer for me everyday.

It is my prayer that on the other side of this, when I heal...it is my prayer I will heal…that I can share this with others…whether it is thru my teaching yoga, or something different. I do not have the vision to see what that will be but I know Creator has a plan for me and this is part of the plan.

Although I am climbing the mountain on my hands and knees soon I will be on the other side walking upright and strong.

Thank you for carrying me thru all you each do in your own personal practices. Thank you for continuing to pray for me and for Noah and for my parents you are giving so much. I still have a long road ahead of me, but the road is made easier but all I am receiving.

Enjoy your day, take care of your hearts and your bodies and appreciate the ones you love.

Big Love
Big Prayers
Big Purrrs

Namaste
Victoria

I know it’s been a while...

Hello All

I know that it has been a while since I sent out an update. Aside from feeling a little weak (I’ve lost about 17 lbs), I am starting to feel better.

My Mom left today after being staying on a little longer after my father. It has been such a gift having her here with me everyday thru all of this. I am going to use her positive energy and strength to build my body back up after this really rough round.

We are looking to a release date of Aug 11th; I’m looking forward to being at home, even if I will be a little weaker then before. It will be a strength builder being at home with fresh air, kitties, Noah and my own home.

I felt my spirit tested this time and that is scarier then anything to me. But it was a good lesson of the importance of remaining connect to Spirit and to my Faith and what power that is.

I am on the road of recovery…everyday is one day closer, it is not something that is in the future it is in this present moment.

I was tested and I realized how much I want it. To be here in this world and to learn from all that is going on, and to share what I learn with everyone.

My wish is I get to teach what I have learned and will learn in the coming year. It feels like what I have been chosen to do.

Again and again thank you for being with me in prayers and good thoughts and in love and positive spirits. It ALL helps me and feeds me.

I will keep you posted even as this stay comes to a close and let you know where I am

Today I feel calm and stronger then ever, tomorrow I pray for more of the same.
Have a beautiful Summer evening.

Purrrrs Peace and Big love

Namaste
Victoria

An odd gene...

Hello Everyone

Did any of you feel the Earthquake last night? My bed started to shake, and I thought ummmm that’s interesting.

Well I talked with my doctor yesterday. They are still searching for a donor and they have a pool that they are currently beginning to test. Apparently I have an "odd gene" that needs to be matched.

If they don’t have a match at the end of the 4 week rest period at home then I will have to go in for another round of chemo to hold me over.

So please friends pray hard that they find a donor who is odd like me. Lets all focus our positive energy and prayers to finding this very special donor, that donor is there waiting to be found. So may the forces of the Universe join together.

I doing my best to be positive but as you know I have not left my room for several weeks. So things are getting challenging. I think I will still be here for another week. As of today, I am going to work on eating and getting strong so I can get out of here.

I going to reconnect to my prayers and my heart and my strength and remember who I am.

I remember my Faith and how strong and important it is.

Thank you for Praying for me and praying for that Donor out there. May we all come together quickly and easily…

Big Love Big Prayers Big Faith

Namaste
Victoria

In the trenches...

Hello all

I know I haven’t written, I have really been in the trenches of feeling sick. But that has lead to feeling really down. This round has been so hard and so challenging for me that i have really allowed it to get me down. I have felt like cutting myself off from visits was the best when really it has just kept me in my head full of worry and negativity.

I have not been working with my spirit; I have been working with my worry.

So if you are local and want to visit please contact me.

I am still feeling physically challenged but that doesn’t mean I cant have guests and connect with the outside world.

My room phone number is 415-353-8453 or you can email me.

Thank you for holding me and praying for me.

I think I will be here in the hospital 'til about the 10th.

So come on by.

It is time I reunite with my spirit and the outside world I love so much.

Namaste
Victoria