I miss myself...

Good Morning all

Happy sunshine, but keep hydrating yourselves and keep wearing spf. Sounds like we are all getting hit with hot summers.

I haven’t written for a few days because things have been touch and go. Always after the chemo the body takes a real hit. So I have been tired, sick to my stomach and just plain not up for much.

Yesterday was the first time I left my room to walk in 2 days. They encourage us to walk a mile a day, which is 12 laps around the hall....after 2 laps I was ready to go back in the room.

Its been challenging for me to eat, I attempt bites of oatmeal, and soup only to vomit with in a half an hour. So the lack of food has me weaker still. I have a major rash on my body. I just feel plain awful.

All of these facts, experiences, do play with the mind and the heart and the spirit. I miss my body, and the freedom of my body, I’m making pacts with spirit that I will practice more yoga, eat better, take hikes, watch less TV. I miss myself, or who I was. Just tell me when I can have my life back. And I feel like at times I am a mystery to myself. All of this scares me. I feel lost from the inside out and from the outside in.

Last night my nurse says (after I threw up pretty much nothing). Victoria, really you are doing such a good job, this is not easy what you are going thru, you are smiling all the time, and you always have a hug for your friends and family. This will pass. You will feel stronger soon.

Those words really helped me to recall myself. To remember that Spirit can continue to remind me of who I am, who I was and who I am becoming. But I need to open my heart to that wisdom. In the middle of all the pain and pills and bathroom patrolling, I have for gotten that its important to practice staying connected to my spirit, soul, heart.

I have forgotten my gratitude as well. My gratefulness to have a strong body to endure this Cure. To be grateful for my souls willingness to be here fully to work with my caregivers to heal me. I forgot prayer works and that’s why I am praying each day. They are just not desperate words said while weeping. They are the hearts pleading and they are heard.

And all of you wonderful people that have created this community that is joined together in your common thoughts and prayers for my healing and the well being of my Mom and Dad, Carole and Harvey and my brother David, and for my husband, Noah.

There are prayers and thoughts and launage and yoga and action all being taken all over the world on my behalf.

I may continue to be ill for the next few days and there are more rough roads ahead. I may also forget and remember many times over.

I will always come back to this gratitude that fills my heart up so much and fills my eyes with tears and leaves me speechless and humble yet strong and Alive.

Thank you for helping to keep me alive!

Thank you are just 2 simple words, but behind them is my Immeasurable Love for all of you.

Big Blessings and prayers right back at you X10.

Have an amazing Day

Namaste
Victoria